Not Quite NostalgiaSubmitted by ilikesteak at 2017-07-10 05:16:47 EDT
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Occasionally, I'll look back and revisit the past. To remind myself of a different time, and a different me. Its been over a decade since I started using this website, and going back I can’t even remember some of it, and a lot of it is essentially lost now outside of the writings themselves. Unsurprisingly, humans change over time, but there's no chance that I would have believed that I'd have come as far as I have. I fully expected to remain a cynical, jaded asshole destined to follow the social contract and live out an ultimately meaningless and unfulfilling life, working day in and day out to earn a paycheck.
Not content with my prospects, I started making changes to my life, and rule #1 was simple: Don't live a life you hate, under any circumstances. If I want to do something, then I try to do it, even if it means taking an impossible risk or sacrificing something dearly important. No cost is too high to live the life I want to live. I stopped having dreams and started having things I want to do.
It wasn't exactly a shocking revelation or a massive innovation, but the process of jumping off the rails that were set for me and onto my own wildly different path was discouraged at every turn and there really wasn't any guidance for what I was supposed to do to make it happen other than "Follow your dreams" and that doesn't help when your dreams seem small, impossibly out of reach, stupid to attempt, and generally pointless. It isn’t that any of what I wanted to do in life was ever particularly hard to do, but
Since I started living by that rule, I've accomplished the bulk of my dreams from long ago, and I'm still working on the rest of them. I've learned to scuba dive. I can play several instruments. I've taken drugs. I've been to the other side of the world. I've gone to S&M dungeons and sex parties. I learned how to crack a whip because it always has the Indiana Jones cool factor to me, and I always giggle a bit when someone eventually tells me that I'll never use a random skill I want to learn, or that I'm wasting my money by buying something that I thought was awesome.
Some things are closer than others. I’m writing a book now, but starring in pornography will probably be on the back burner for a little while before I actually do it. I’m taking my time with some things because I know that they’re always going to be comfortably within my grasp. I’m not in any hurry to get things done, so I can plan out things properly and give them the time they deserve.
Some things are still roughly the same. I still like steak. I’m on Lappy 5 now, soon to be replaced by Lappy 6, and I haven't changed how I name laptops even though Homestar Runner is just a dim and distant memory. They're time capsules now, full of writing, photos, movies, and entire years of my life that I can access whenever I want. I really should write down the login passwords to them before I forget them, but somehow muscle memory still sets in every time I open one up and my fingers go where they’re supposed to, remembering it only for as long as I need it.
The best part is, whenever I can finally say that I’ve crossed everything off the list, that I’ll never feel like there’s nothing left. I’ll still be happy. The fear of fulfillment and discontent with the possibility of living out the remainder of my days feeling like there isn’t anything left to do just doesn’t exist anymore.