The Lord of The Rings, Part 1Submitted by blackbear at 2017-03-06 22:36:52 EST
Rating: 0.71 on 7 ratings (7 reviews) (Review this item) (V)
Frodo Baggins headed off towards the volcano, with Gandalf and Ken accompanying him. Ken stopped to urinate on a bush. Frodo stopped to smoke a cigarette. Gandalf took out a nutri-grain bar and began eating. Frodo tossed his cigarette butt into the bush where Ken had just pissed, and it exploded into flames!
"Whoa man, I piss lighter fluid? Didn't you know? Now you're going to start a fucking forest fire! Where's Smokey the Bear when you need him?"
"Right here." They turned around to see Smokey carrying a pail of water. He put out the fire. The maple tree nearby then spoke.
"Thank you Smokey. For that I shall award you this honorary badge. The ladies will not be able to resist you while you wear this. There is a tavern 25 miles down this road to the North, where a bunch of dwarves like to frequent. They have high quality dwarf prostitutes, if you're into that."
"Thanks Mr. Tree."
"No problem, you can call me Dindu. The great spirit speaks through me, and I have much wisdom for you."
And with that, Ken, Frodo, Gandalf and Smokey headed on down the trail to the North, through a dark forest.
Night time had come. Gandalf casted a spell, and made a flashlight appear in his hands. But the batteries were low, so it kept going out.
"Shit, we're going to need to set up camp for the night."
"Fuck that, I don't need any sleep, let's keep walking."
"Fine Ken, you go ahead, I'm staying here," Gandalf replied. He cast another spell, and 3 tents appeared out of thin air. Only problem was one of them appeared up in a tree.
"Frodo, that one's yours. Go climb the tree and get in."
The 3 of them rested, while Ken went on ahead by himself.
"I don't need them," Ken said to himself. He walked ahead in the dark, using his night vision binoculars that he stole from a military base a few days earlier. Up ahead he saw a dark figure.
"Who is that?" Ken shouted.
"I've been waiting for you, Ken," the mysterious figure replied.
He heard a sword being drawn.
"Shit...." Ken looked around, but it was hard to see in the dark. He picked up a boulder, and threw it at the other guy's kneecap. Direct hit! He heard the man groan in pain. Ken took this opportunity and ran up, grabbed the sword out of his hand, and punched him right in the nuts. He fell to the ground. Ken stepped on his throat.
"Alright buddy, you got some explaining to do. Who are you? How do you know my name? And why are you trying to kill me?"
"No hablo espanol?" He choked out, and coughed up some blood.
"Yea nice try, I heard you speaking english earlier," Ken said, and brought the sword to his neck. "Now start talking, or you die."
"Ken.... you are the chosen one.... you have been chosen to be dinner.... for my master.... he wants to eat you.... every Thursday he has roast human with garlic sauce.... uhhh....please let me live...."
Ken let the man stand up.
"So why doesn't he just eat you instead?"
"Because.... I am not human."
"That's nice. Empty your pockets, I'm taking everything you have."
The non-human being gave Ken some gold coins, a smartphone, and some Febreeze.
"Febreeze? The fuck?"
"Oh yea, I get high from sniffing the fumes. You wanna get high? Sniff some of that stuff right now, it's good."
"You know what? Lead me to your master, I'm going to fuck him up. You stupid alien junkie." Ken kicked him in the stomach. "Start walking."
The being walked ahead down the path. Ken followed behind, sword in one hand, smartphone in the other. He decided to text his girlfriend while walking.
"Hey baby, you up?" He texted, but didn't watch where he was going, and walked right into a tree. He looked up, and saw that the being he was following had vanished.
"Damn it," he said. He looked through the recently called list on the phone, and found someone called "master" who had called 90 minutes ago. He called it.
"Where is my dinner? Did you find Ken?"
Ken spoke in the other being's voice, and fooled the master into thinking he had killed Ken, and was bringing his carcass back.
"Excellent," he replied. "Let me know when you get here, I'll unlock the gate for you."
The smartphone GPS showed the exact location of the master. At this point he noticed sunlight on the horizon. He heard the birds start chirping.
Meanwhile, way back on the trail, Frodo awoke in his tent, perched up on a tree branch. He climbed down, clutching the ring in his pocket. He resisted the urge to put the ring on his finger. Gandalf was snoring loudly. He walked over to Smokey's tent.
"Smokey, get up. It's morning."
"Eh what? Oh..." He heard movement inside the tent. He heard the zipper door opening, and Smokey climbed out.
"I wonder if any of these trees can talk?" Smokey began trying to start conversations with the trees, but they remained silent. Frodo smoked another cigarette, and tossed it into a bush. It exploded into flames!
"Hmm, I guess Ken's been here. Good, we're still on the right track." They didn't have any water to put the fire out, so they just let it burn. Gandalf's tent caught on fire.
"Yo Gandalf, get up! Your tent's on fire."
Gandalf got out, and casted a spell. A giant turtle appeared.
"Damn, that wasn't the right spell."
The turtle was about 9 feet tall, 26 feet long.
"Let's get out of here before that thing eats us."
Smokey, Frodo and Gandalf ran down the trail, but weren't quite sure where to go. They saw the turtle eating all the vegetation back behind them, but it was too slow to catch up to them. Up ahead they came to a bridge crossing over a river.