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Mallrat Adventures III: Monkey See, Monkey Poo

Submitted by DaBeast at 2008-07-30 23:29:37 EDT
Rating: 1.91 on 13 ratings (13 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

Mallrat Adventures III: Monkey See, Monkey Poo

I'd found Det and Sherry outside the Baskin Robbins. They munched fat free yoghurt and stole giggling glances at the Ice Cream Fairy behind the counter. The Ice Cream Fairy kept winking at me. Egawds.

I noticed when their heads turned away from BK to look behind them.

A group of women, six strong, were strolling down the other side of the second floor plaza. They talking, laughed, and wore casual chic with a joie-de-vivre that was very attractive. A few were MILFs, most were GILF, and their well-made up faces, stylish hair, elegant gestures, all drew the eye and the ear in pleasant fashion.

Several paces back, a group of six men walked together. The few youthful ones were bantering about favorite sports figures and engaging in a little horseplay but the older ones strode as a tightly knit group, speaking in quiet tones, eyes never leaving the women ahead.

Det and Sherry watched both groups and they smiled with a mixture of knowing superiority and longing and wistfulness.

The hair on the back of my neck came to attention.

"I see the herd's on the move." My voice wasn't especially loud but there was a quality to it that carried well. It cut through the mall chatter, a hot knife through lard. I took the spoon from Det's yoghurt, put it in my mouth, and suckled noisily upon it.

That got their attention.

Det turned toward me, brows lowering quickly in displeasure. "What did you say?"

"I said," I grinned around the spoon and didn't remove it from my mouth, lips warping around it grotesquely, "that the herd is on the moooooove."

Sherry leaned forward, took hold of the spoon's handle, and jerked it out of my face.

Damn, now my mouth hurt.

"You'll be part of the herd, someday," Sherry hissed, eyes agleam with wicked delight at the thought.

I'm sorry to all you genrle ladies out there in Internet land. I whooped with laughter until tears streamed down my cheeks. "You forget, Sherry." I laughed so hard, I think I broke a rib.

"What?" She looked confused.

Det spoke up, "Oh, yeah, Sher. His thesis."

Sherry growled and threw the spoon at me.

"Aw, c'mon, sweetness. Don't be a shrew. Someday, you, too, will be tamed." I smiled at her.

She sniffed with disdain (she'd been doing this for the last year or so, ever since her mom gave Sherry her old collection of gothic and victorian romances; if she knew how cute this was, I believe she'd cease to do it, so I don't tell her and no one else does, either) and turned away. "I don't see what that has to do with the issue."

"Psychology Major ring any bells there, honeycake? Human Behavioural specialty. Why else in gawd's mythical name would I ever be caught dead at the mall?" I guffawed.

The group had rounded a corner and disappeared. I looked at the last place where I had seen them and shook my head. "Human behaviour is so very primitive. In some situations, monkeys come out seeming more civilized. Humans are cruel, petty, narcissitic, spiteful, vengeful, and riddled with so many conflicting thoughts and desires and I wonder how in the universe did ever such a self-destructive, childish, immature, and selfish beast come to the pinnacle of civilization so many different times and in so many different ways without managing to completely and utterly annihilate itself?" I shook my head again and smiled at Det. "Monkeys are infinitely easier to live with."

"You've gone past my threshold, Luke." Det smiled back and reached out, patted my hand. "No more science gabble. Tell me what you saw. Plain English, please, for us idiots in the audience."

I shook my head at her and titled it to one side, looked at her through my lashes. "See, that amazes me right there, Det. You're not stupid, but you want me to think you are. I've listened to you when you didn't know I was around. I've heard you with other chicks and with other guys. Only the males get the stupid act; not the females. Why do you believe that no man could be interested in a beautiful, talented, humorous, and shockingly intelligent female? Why do you place a value on yourself that is far and away too low?"

"What?" Det blushed and dropped her eyes. "I dunno what you're talking about, Luke."

I moved back, lounged into the cheap metal chair and kept my gaze on her face, what I could see of it. "Or do you think that I'm stupid, that I'd buy such an obvious forgery?"

"No!" Det's face rose quickly, eyes wide and locked on mine. "You're not stupid but..." She blanched a bit, then, "...sometimes, you're so mean. And it's not because what you're saying isn't true. But just because a thing's true... that don't make it right, Luke." She lowered a voice, "Or good."

"Touche, mon ami." I smiled at her. "And thank you."

Sherry cocked an eyebrow (yeah, like Spock, really weird). "Thank you?"

"Yes," I laughed a bit. "I feel like Diogenes of Sinope and while I feel I've found more than he did, I still don't come across very many."

Sherry looked confused but Det laughed and I suddenly felt better than I had in a long time.
"You were going to tell me what you saw...?" Det prodded.

I sat up. "Oh, that. I'm not sure you'd want to know, Det. It's not nice, what I saw."
She just nodded and gestured, palm up and open.

"Alright." I looked back to the place where the two groups, seperated only ny gender, had strolled. "I saw women that had no need to worry about money. They had fine clothing, fine jewelry, fine bodies, toned and sculpted even into the later years when youth has faded everywhere except dogged memory. Yet, for all these things, all their laughter and togetherness, their eyes glittered aloof, cold as Siberian tundra and dry as after the fall of the world's last tear."

Sherry shuddered and looked away but Det's eyes, a sweet brown glimmer like coffee with creamy undertones, stayed on me.

"Not once," I paused a moment. "Not once did they look back at the men. But the men followed them as if... as if they were in orbit, bound fast by inexorable gravity, caught and drawn into their course by the women that had pulled them in. There was love there, deep abiding and constant affection, but there was a hopelessness there, too. A defeat that dragged at their steps and kept them from ever actually coming into contact with their guiding planets."

I shook my head and looked at Det. "I saw no happiness, there. They moved as if they danced, a graceful sweep of calf and curve of thigh, lightly taken steps that even the gentlest pony would envy. But there was no heart to it. There was no truth in it."

"You're a poet." Sherry whispered.

I blinked, looked at Sherry, laughed. "That might explain my temper. They say Dante and Byron were both cruel and harsh, in their fashion." I laughed, again. "But, no. I couldn't be a poet because I'm too much of a Realist. Diogenes wasn't far off."

"So, what's with all the beaver chasing, then?" Det grinned.

I grinned back. "Ever do something just to see if you could? Just to see if your obvservations are correct? Just to test a theory?"

Sherry went beet red. Det looked at her face and started laughing so hard that she almost fell out of her chair.

I couldn't help but join in.

Yeah, sometimes the monkeys are more civilized. But sometimes, the humans are funnier.


Review This Item




Submitted by Replen at 2008-07-31 13:56:12 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by orphelia at 2008-07-31 12:29:42 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by monkeyswithguns at 2008-07-31 11:00:19 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by woolfe at 2008-07-31 08:39:35 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

dante you are not.

Submitted by Judgement at 2008-07-31 06:29:23 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Darth_Famine at 2008-07-31 06:21:24 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

The forgeries of life are everywhere

Watch your step lest you become one


Submitted by The-Armed-Samurai at 2008-07-31 05:55:55 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 at 2008-07-31 05:54:39 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

This was a nice post, but I was dissapointed at the lack of actual monkeys.

.... and the lack of rape, monkey rape.

Submitted by EmissionImpossible at 2008-07-31 05:39:56 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Get on with your business Fey!

Submitted by Fey at 2008-07-31 05:36:12 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Yes, allright.

Submitted by EmissionImpossible at 2008-07-31 03:23:57 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

are those babies having naughty time

Submitted by tatersninja at 2008-07-31 02:51:52 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I can't read right now. But the brain pic made my brain (or what passes for one on some days) hurt.


Submitted by icarus1987 at 2008-07-30 23:37:58 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

You did use the word "poo", which is all the rage today. +2 for that!

I guess Bart's not to blame. He's lucky, too, because it's spanking
season, and I got a hankering for some spankering!

-- Homer Simpson
Two Dozen and One Greyhounds